Why me?
In Him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of Him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of His will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of His glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in Him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God's possession—to the praise of his glory.
Ephesians 1:11-12
There are so many faces. They are all beautiful in their own way; for their uniqueness, their flaws, their life. It's so hard to look at them and not make every conversation: "let me tell you about my Jesus!" Why does it take poverty to bring the urgency that the world needs to be saved? I don't walk through the mall and pray endlessly for those around me. I don't have that ache. I don't even know what I would say if one small voice piped up and said "me, I'm want to have Jesus". I don't feel like this month is a failure if I don't save just one, that isn't something I can do. But it just hurts so much to know they are lost. What makes me choose who to passionately pursue? I look at people in my life who are constants - some are daily relationships and others are relationships kept current through prayer. It is a conscious choice who I include, which means some are being excluded. It's just one more thing I don't understand. It's just one more version of control that I have to give up. It's hopefully one more thing to be free of.
So what made Him choose me. When God looked at all of creation and was filling the spots available in Heaven, how did I make the cut? It wasn't on my own merit - of that I am most certain. How did he decide what my lot would be vs. Others. I think, "I could take this, I'm not so weak that given the station in life I could not live as these people do." That is such vanity. I can hardly make it through a day at home without thanking God for intercepting and smoothing out the rough patches.
I think the challenge comes in accepting that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can go to school and challenge, love and build relationships with the kids but it really doesn't make a difference. Very few really get to see all of me - I wouldn't want them, or most of you to really see "me". I need them to see who Christ makes me - if they don't then none of it is worthwhile. It is only when I think of this in that context that it becomes ok. Who He's made me has to be enough because otherwise I'm just a smile - and the smile fades.
Jeff touched on that Sunday morning a few weeks ago. He told a story of a woman who told him, and I'm sure I'm going to mix up the details but you'll get the drift, that her marriage was not well and she couldn't tell anyone of her friends because their lives were so ordered, so perfect. The church was so perfect. It was everything she was not and it made her feel more alone than ever. Jeff was surprised, I think, to hear that she was feeling this and couldn't reach out for shame of what she saw as the imperfection of her life. How many people do we really let see us. It's so hard to find those few who you feel are safe. It's as if they have to prove through their track record with others that they can be trusted. Then and only then will we open up. Even then there is guilt in thinking that we are burdening their ordered lives with our mess. And at some point you find yourself in a situation similar to being here. Everyone should have this freedom. There is no baggage, there are no expectations, no appearances to keep. It is the truest way to being completely who you are in Christ alone with no feeling of self. (Except at night when left alone with your thoughts and the questions start to come. But the questions are good because it's quiet enough to think.) I like myself far better in this place - when I see me through His eyes. The picture is far more simple, I see beauty and grace, and an acceptance of peace. I have three weeks to figure out how to bring that person home. (Or I could just stay....)
So I'm rambling. It's the middle of the night where you are and by dawn I'll probably have erased this post as gibbering chatter and nonsensical folly. But I don't think I'm the only one who has every asked the question "why me?".
So what made Him choose me. When God looked at all of creation and was filling the spots available in Heaven, how did I make the cut? It wasn't on my own merit - of that I am most certain. How did he decide what my lot would be vs. Others. I think, "I could take this, I'm not so weak that given the station in life I could not live as these people do." That is such vanity. I can hardly make it through a day at home without thanking God for intercepting and smoothing out the rough patches.
I think the challenge comes in accepting that there is absolutely nothing I can do. I can go to school and challenge, love and build relationships with the kids but it really doesn't make a difference. Very few really get to see all of me - I wouldn't want them, or most of you to really see "me". I need them to see who Christ makes me - if they don't then none of it is worthwhile. It is only when I think of this in that context that it becomes ok. Who He's made me has to be enough because otherwise I'm just a smile - and the smile fades.
Jeff touched on that Sunday morning a few weeks ago. He told a story of a woman who told him, and I'm sure I'm going to mix up the details but you'll get the drift, that her marriage was not well and she couldn't tell anyone of her friends because their lives were so ordered, so perfect. The church was so perfect. It was everything she was not and it made her feel more alone than ever. Jeff was surprised, I think, to hear that she was feeling this and couldn't reach out for shame of what she saw as the imperfection of her life. How many people do we really let see us. It's so hard to find those few who you feel are safe. It's as if they have to prove through their track record with others that they can be trusted. Then and only then will we open up. Even then there is guilt in thinking that we are burdening their ordered lives with our mess. And at some point you find yourself in a situation similar to being here. Everyone should have this freedom. There is no baggage, there are no expectations, no appearances to keep. It is the truest way to being completely who you are in Christ alone with no feeling of self. (Except at night when left alone with your thoughts and the questions start to come. But the questions are good because it's quiet enough to think.) I like myself far better in this place - when I see me through His eyes. The picture is far more simple, I see beauty and grace, and an acceptance of peace. I have three weeks to figure out how to bring that person home. (Or I could just stay....)
So I'm rambling. It's the middle of the night where you are and by dawn I'll probably have erased this post as gibbering chatter and nonsensical folly. But I don't think I'm the only one who has every asked the question "why me?".
posted by Kim at 12:52 AM
2 Comments:
I love how it is quiet enough for you to think and reflect. How you are away from your daily life here and it enables you to reach places that are hard to get to from here. Im thinking about how Jesus went away for 40 days to have time get get away from it all. I do believe that we all need to retreat occassionally so we can be still and KNOW that He is God even when we cant get it.
About being perfect...its hard...I know because I live with that desire as well. No one should see you sweat. And it becomes this monster that can rule your life. The ironic thing is that when we can finally be real and honest with others its then that they are drawn to us. Its such a dichotomy...what we think will put people off of us actually draws them closer. I admire you sweet friend. Dont stay away...bring it home so we can all share! You make me a better me Kimberly! xooxox P
7:59 AM
How often does this myth of perfection that surrounds churches and Christian schools actually exacerbate the problems people are harboring? There is no safe place to truly open up; I feel like I spend half my time mincing words out of chrisrianeese decorum. The church is supposedly a place of intimacy where we collectively help others out of their own darkness, but the people you are closest to can't even know the truth of your real struggles. Perhaps Ted Haggard is latest example of this problem. He's not the first, every few months or so there is another Christian "falling from grace." We (the church) need to realize that we each have crap, and some crap stinks more than others, but the vary existence of crap is the proof that we are all in the same place of dire need for the love of Christ. I have no right to judge Ted Haggard because I am also selfish, I too put idols in the place of God.
Anyhow, pardon my diatribe, I just don't want to grade any more essays right now. I realize this isn't earth shattering theology, but I have been thinking lately about this culture of imaginary perfection that is projected everywhere I go and I wonder why I'm so far from it. But Christ continues to reveal, inspire, and redeem the life around me, especially the sides of life that aren't enthusiastically projected on the Sunday morning PowerPoint!
Kim, I hope you are seeing, experiencing, and participating in a side of the church we long for here in suburban America.
12:39 PM
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