What have I learned?

So Debbie wants to know what I have learned. I'm sure that in the upcoming weeks and months this list will become more focused and hopefully more eloquent but at the moment this is what I have:

Self evaluation comes at a cost – be prepared to pay.
I'm a do-it-yourselfer (imagine that), and often come up with grand projects for home improvement. Once I begin to peel back the layers of paint or disrepair I find a larger mess that requires far more work than I am capable of. The laundry list of areas that need attention in my life is far greater than I thought it was. But there is a certain peace in the chaos because I don't feel like "doing it myself" anymore. I'm a mess, but get in line because so are you. For so long I've looked at others around me and seen only what I was meant to see. Based on that I judged my worth, my success, my value, my priorities, even my honesty with my self. I'm here with no one to judge me but me, no one to look at my hair (I don't have a hair dryer – you can only imagine), no one to critique my every word, no one to impress. Sure, each of you will say those things were never important to begin with but we each place enough value on those things that we consider them to different degrees before making choices each day. I'm not suggesting that propriety be thrown to the wind, but I'm more aware of how much I stifle myself by judging myself based on what I think others perceptions of me are. Without that to consider, God's laundry list became far clearer and much louder than the voices in my head. Nice part, He's going to do most of the work.

Independence is good, but being reliant on another is not a sign of weakness.
I'm ready to come home; not because I miss the creature comforts (although today I could almost taste a diet pepsi) but because this is not my life, because I need my family and I miss my friends. I think I hide behind independence because it keeps me from being vulnerable – and vulnerable means getting hurt. Not necessarily so. Being vulnerable means trust. I didn't think twice about being available here because I didn't expect rejection. Of course they will embrace me, isn't that what kids do? The sweetest rewards come from taking a chance – and there are no guarantees you will be met with warm embraces. It isn't rejection when it isn't returned, it isn't a failure on your part or theirs, and not everything is so black and white. You make connections without even knowing it and to expect a return on your investment is so cheap. Two different kids today told me how sorry they are to see me go and can't I stay longer; we've never spoke before and I don't even know their names. If I had just sought them out when they didn't embrace me after my initial try what could the blessing have been? I think I take the good as it comes and don't always reach farther because the fear of rejection, or not being embraced whole-heartedly to reach my expectations, makes me feel weak. I missed out, I know that now, and the sense of loss is far greater than a formal rejection had I pursued them. I need to pursue more and not wait for things to come to me.

I need to know my Savior more intimately.
"And He walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own. And the joy we share as we tarry there, none other has ever known." I would say everyone is familiar with the traditional hymn "In the Garden" but with the resonance of praise music on Sunday mornings that statement may no longer be true. The first line is true, but only two of the three could I have honestly acknowledged previously. That He walks with me I am certain; there is simply no other explanation. I know I am His without question. But He talks to me? I just wasn't listening. And the joy, there truly is joy that I can't begin to describe to you. Psalms is full of David's failings and God's forgiveness. Listen to Peter or John and you see real people, people full of "failure" with the most fervent adoration for Christ. Just read the words in red. The message is uncompromising, but you can hear the undulation in His voice, hear the exhale of His breath as Jesus waits for the words to sink in, and almost see the smile on His face as He laughs that while the people understood, they still knew so little. And even as we understand now, we grasp only the simplest of details.

Will "re-entry" as Patti puts it be easy? No, but it will hopefully be easier to settle into a changed mindset with so many other new things on the horizon. A new job (you can start praying for that!) and a new daily schedule mean the opportunity to set and rearrange priorities. I do know it isn't something I can do on my own because Patti is right, "I got it, no problem" is my mantra (don't know where I heard it). Really, what would happen if I completely released control – where would I end up? Can I even do that? But I think there is real independence in following a path created specifically by design for me and not one that is dictated by my skewed opinion of society and other's expectations. There is satisfaction in depending on others and being rewarded by a relationship. There is a cost to making a change but the change can be cheaper in the long run. And missed relationships, especially those who are right there for the taking and waiting for you to make the move, are the most treasured.